O' Kitten My Kitten

Kat,

My life is full of bullshit right now. The long and the short of it is that Andrew did something really really shitty, and I got really really mad, and then later that night he yelled at John for no reason, and when he apologized, it wasn't an apology as much as it was an insult. John and I responded with anger, which is really all I've had for the situation for over a week now, and Andrew responded by publicly slandering me in a way that let all my friends see it but not me. Now, what I am left with, is being 29 and feeling just like I did in High School, that the people who surround me aren't good for my peace or sanity or heart. I need more support right now. I need more kindness. I need a gentleness of spirit and soft words and someone who loves my little family of John and I and our pets and I can't find it here.

Times like this are really lonely, especially when I think of you and Jesse and the life you're building, and of Seattle and how I miss it. John hates Seattle, doesn't want to live there even for a while, and I don't know how to tell him that I need to figure out a way to get out of here. I love Bellingham, I love my little town tucked away by the ocean, hidden by mountains, secret and calm and smelling of salt and fog and trees. I love the people downtown and I love that I feel "home" here, but I am so tired of being constantly "ON" here. I need to be "off" for a while, in small letters, small sounds.

I feel helpless and strung too tightly lately. With school and my marriage and our crazy ass roommate situation and now with work exploding like it is always bound to do because that's what this shop does, I feel like no matter which step I take it will be the wrong one.

I worry about you, too, Kitten. I worry that you don't tell me things because you don't want to unload on my already heavy heart. I worry about us, about how we're going to be as mothers, as wives, as friends as we get more and more claiming our attention.

What I do not worry about is how much I love you and how much you love me. I do not know how to explain to you that your love is my one constant, my one rock, the one unshakable thing I have to cling to when all else is dark and I ache because I feel battered and exhausted.

I miss you so much.