Steph,
It will all be ok. Maybe not the way we'd want it to be, but I do believe that eventually everything will be ok.
I was thinking of visiting you in Bellingham this weekend. Would that be a good idea?
big love,
k a t
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Sunday, August 5, 2007
And my name no one shall know...
Kat,
I held a 5 week old baby a few days ago. One of my customers, Annie, had a beautiful baby girl that she named "Ayla" when I was in New York. I have seen Ayla asleep many times since my return, but the other day for the first time, she was awake and fussy and moving around. Annie handed her off to me in a slow moment. I took her tiny little body and cradled it on my shoulder. Ayla instantly nuzzled into my neck, put one tiny hand on my mouth, and commenced to sleeping again, almost curving into the contour of my collar bone.
I rocked back and forth on my feet, made small cooing sounds, and apparently I started crying. Before I was aware it was happening, small tears were rolling down my cheeks onto Ayla's tiny little head. Katy saw it and covered up for me well, making some joke and shaking her head ever so slightly, letting me know she knew, and she knew why the tears had come, and she knew that I needed a moment.
I am not in a place to have kids. My marriage is falling apart, although we're trying so hard to glue it back together. I feel like my mind is falling apart most days, I'm so much more scattered. I start writing and close the window before I am finished, like committing my thoughts to any kind of page, digital or otherwise, cements me into a position where I cannot escape and cannot improve.
I'm having such a hard time crafting. Right now, the only craft I can stand to put my mind to is the knitting I am doing as a learning project. I walked into my sewing room the other day, half heartedly looked at some bundles, and walked right back out. I can't handle being in there, it feels overwhelming and stifling. My creativity and drive seems to have leaked out of me when all this heartache came rushing in, like there is only so much space and the hurty bits displaced all the ideas and the need to make something with my hands.
I feel lost, my kitten, and on top of it all, my ovaries are hurting every time I see tiny little hands or hear a child laugh.
Tell me it will all be okay.
Please?
--opie
I held a 5 week old baby a few days ago. One of my customers, Annie, had a beautiful baby girl that she named "Ayla" when I was in New York. I have seen Ayla asleep many times since my return, but the other day for the first time, she was awake and fussy and moving around. Annie handed her off to me in a slow moment. I took her tiny little body and cradled it on my shoulder. Ayla instantly nuzzled into my neck, put one tiny hand on my mouth, and commenced to sleeping again, almost curving into the contour of my collar bone.
I rocked back and forth on my feet, made small cooing sounds, and apparently I started crying. Before I was aware it was happening, small tears were rolling down my cheeks onto Ayla's tiny little head. Katy saw it and covered up for me well, making some joke and shaking her head ever so slightly, letting me know she knew, and she knew why the tears had come, and she knew that I needed a moment.
I am not in a place to have kids. My marriage is falling apart, although we're trying so hard to glue it back together. I feel like my mind is falling apart most days, I'm so much more scattered. I start writing and close the window before I am finished, like committing my thoughts to any kind of page, digital or otherwise, cements me into a position where I cannot escape and cannot improve.
I'm having such a hard time crafting. Right now, the only craft I can stand to put my mind to is the knitting I am doing as a learning project. I walked into my sewing room the other day, half heartedly looked at some bundles, and walked right back out. I can't handle being in there, it feels overwhelming and stifling. My creativity and drive seems to have leaked out of me when all this heartache came rushing in, like there is only so much space and the hurty bits displaced all the ideas and the need to make something with my hands.
I feel lost, my kitten, and on top of it all, my ovaries are hurting every time I see tiny little hands or hear a child laugh.
Tell me it will all be okay.
Please?
--opie
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