Kat,
My life is full of bullshit right now. The long and the short of it is that Andrew did something really really shitty, and I got really really mad, and then later that night he yelled at John for no reason, and when he apologized, it wasn't an apology as much as it was an insult. John and I responded with anger, which is really all I've had for the situation for over a week now, and Andrew responded by publicly slandering me in a way that let all my friends see it but not me. Now, what I am left with, is being 29 and feeling just like I did in High School, that the people who surround me aren't good for my peace or sanity or heart. I need more support right now. I need more kindness. I need a gentleness of spirit and soft words and someone who loves my little family of John and I and our pets and I can't find it here.
Times like this are really lonely, especially when I think of you and Jesse and the life you're building, and of Seattle and how I miss it. John hates Seattle, doesn't want to live there even for a while, and I don't know how to tell him that I need to figure out a way to get out of here. I love Bellingham, I love my little town tucked away by the ocean, hidden by mountains, secret and calm and smelling of salt and fog and trees. I love the people downtown and I love that I feel "home" here, but I am so tired of being constantly "ON" here. I need to be "off" for a while, in small letters, small sounds.
I feel helpless and strung too tightly lately. With school and my marriage and our crazy ass roommate situation and now with work exploding like it is always bound to do because that's what this shop does, I feel like no matter which step I take it will be the wrong one.
I worry about you, too, Kitten. I worry that you don't tell me things because you don't want to unload on my already heavy heart. I worry about us, about how we're going to be as mothers, as wives, as friends as we get more and more claiming our attention.
What I do not worry about is how much I love you and how much you love me. I do not know how to explain to you that your love is my one constant, my one rock, the one unshakable thing I have to cling to when all else is dark and I ache because I feel battered and exhausted.
I miss you so much.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
And I'll burn this whole city down....
Kat,
I feel really removed from you lately, and I think it's mostly my fault. School is so all consuming. It's been a very very long time since I wanted this badly to do well at something, and all my energy has been on that and my marriage. With John's friend still living in my craft room (he'll be out by month's end...) and no time, I can't get in there to make anything with my hands, which makes me really antsy.
I miss your soft way of speaking and your full throated laugh, and I hope to see you soon.
The weekend before your birthday? What say you? Are you busy? Can I see you then?
Much Love,
Opie
I feel really removed from you lately, and I think it's mostly my fault. School is so all consuming. It's been a very very long time since I wanted this badly to do well at something, and all my energy has been on that and my marriage. With John's friend still living in my craft room (he'll be out by month's end...) and no time, I can't get in there to make anything with my hands, which makes me really antsy.
I miss your soft way of speaking and your full throated laugh, and I hope to see you soon.
The weekend before your birthday? What say you? Are you busy? Can I see you then?
Much Love,
Opie
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
it will all be ok
Steph,
It will all be ok. Maybe not the way we'd want it to be, but I do believe that eventually everything will be ok.
I was thinking of visiting you in Bellingham this weekend. Would that be a good idea?
big love,
k a t
It will all be ok. Maybe not the way we'd want it to be, but I do believe that eventually everything will be ok.
I was thinking of visiting you in Bellingham this weekend. Would that be a good idea?
big love,
k a t
Sunday, August 5, 2007
And my name no one shall know...
Kat,
I held a 5 week old baby a few days ago. One of my customers, Annie, had a beautiful baby girl that she named "Ayla" when I was in New York. I have seen Ayla asleep many times since my return, but the other day for the first time, she was awake and fussy and moving around. Annie handed her off to me in a slow moment. I took her tiny little body and cradled it on my shoulder. Ayla instantly nuzzled into my neck, put one tiny hand on my mouth, and commenced to sleeping again, almost curving into the contour of my collar bone.
I rocked back and forth on my feet, made small cooing sounds, and apparently I started crying. Before I was aware it was happening, small tears were rolling down my cheeks onto Ayla's tiny little head. Katy saw it and covered up for me well, making some joke and shaking her head ever so slightly, letting me know she knew, and she knew why the tears had come, and she knew that I needed a moment.
I am not in a place to have kids. My marriage is falling apart, although we're trying so hard to glue it back together. I feel like my mind is falling apart most days, I'm so much more scattered. I start writing and close the window before I am finished, like committing my thoughts to any kind of page, digital or otherwise, cements me into a position where I cannot escape and cannot improve.
I'm having such a hard time crafting. Right now, the only craft I can stand to put my mind to is the knitting I am doing as a learning project. I walked into my sewing room the other day, half heartedly looked at some bundles, and walked right back out. I can't handle being in there, it feels overwhelming and stifling. My creativity and drive seems to have leaked out of me when all this heartache came rushing in, like there is only so much space and the hurty bits displaced all the ideas and the need to make something with my hands.
I feel lost, my kitten, and on top of it all, my ovaries are hurting every time I see tiny little hands or hear a child laugh.
Tell me it will all be okay.
Please?
--opie
I held a 5 week old baby a few days ago. One of my customers, Annie, had a beautiful baby girl that she named "Ayla" when I was in New York. I have seen Ayla asleep many times since my return, but the other day for the first time, she was awake and fussy and moving around. Annie handed her off to me in a slow moment. I took her tiny little body and cradled it on my shoulder. Ayla instantly nuzzled into my neck, put one tiny hand on my mouth, and commenced to sleeping again, almost curving into the contour of my collar bone.
I rocked back and forth on my feet, made small cooing sounds, and apparently I started crying. Before I was aware it was happening, small tears were rolling down my cheeks onto Ayla's tiny little head. Katy saw it and covered up for me well, making some joke and shaking her head ever so slightly, letting me know she knew, and she knew why the tears had come, and she knew that I needed a moment.
I am not in a place to have kids. My marriage is falling apart, although we're trying so hard to glue it back together. I feel like my mind is falling apart most days, I'm so much more scattered. I start writing and close the window before I am finished, like committing my thoughts to any kind of page, digital or otherwise, cements me into a position where I cannot escape and cannot improve.
I'm having such a hard time crafting. Right now, the only craft I can stand to put my mind to is the knitting I am doing as a learning project. I walked into my sewing room the other day, half heartedly looked at some bundles, and walked right back out. I can't handle being in there, it feels overwhelming and stifling. My creativity and drive seems to have leaked out of me when all this heartache came rushing in, like there is only so much space and the hurty bits displaced all the ideas and the need to make something with my hands.
I feel lost, my kitten, and on top of it all, my ovaries are hurting every time I see tiny little hands or hear a child laugh.
Tell me it will all be okay.
Please?
--opie
Friday, July 20, 2007
schmacation
Oh, Opie,
Why is coming back from vacation so hard? Is it coming back to work? Is it unpacking? Is it half-assedly planning a reception for more people than actually were able to attend your wedding? While it looks like it's going to rain on your picnic?
Is it the fact that I should be looking for another job?
I don't know, but coming back has been a little difficult. I love my home and my life here, but I miss Woodstock and having all my friends around me.
I know things haven't been entirely smooth sailing for you either. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you on the roommate situation. But this is how I think of you:
dancing without a thought to trouble with me nearby. Let it be so again and right soon.
squidges (that's british for hugs),
k a t
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Kat,
Well, I'm back to the grind here in Washington, and wishing I were back in Woodstock, swimming in the stream.
I can't thank you enough for the wonderful time in New York. I had so much fun.
You looked so beautiful and serene, peaceful and happy and glowing on your wedding day, and I was so proud to be a part of it, proud to kiss you goodbye in that cabin and know what a huge thing you were doing. Jesse looked so happy, seeing you walk towards him, and all our friends were so full of love for the both of you.
New York city was glamorous and wonderful, and I'd love to go back. the more I travel, the more I want to travel.
Next up, NEW ZEALAND!
I met some wonderful Kiwis today, they bought coffee and talked with me and Jonathan for a while about the way coffee is expanding in their country. I can't wait till we start things in motion for that trip.
I adore you, O Kitten, and hope you find your transition into married life smooth and blissful.
Know that I am thinking of you and loving you both.
Love,
Opie
Well, I'm back to the grind here in Washington, and wishing I were back in Woodstock, swimming in the stream.
I can't thank you enough for the wonderful time in New York. I had so much fun.
You looked so beautiful and serene, peaceful and happy and glowing on your wedding day, and I was so proud to be a part of it, proud to kiss you goodbye in that cabin and know what a huge thing you were doing. Jesse looked so happy, seeing you walk towards him, and all our friends were so full of love for the both of you.
New York city was glamorous and wonderful, and I'd love to go back. the more I travel, the more I want to travel.
Next up, NEW ZEALAND!
I met some wonderful Kiwis today, they bought coffee and talked with me and Jonathan for a while about the way coffee is expanding in their country. I can't wait till we start things in motion for that trip.
I adore you, O Kitten, and hope you find your transition into married life smooth and blissful.
Know that I am thinking of you and loving you both.
Love,
Opie
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
fight till we're free
Hey there,
I promise I'm still here. Well you know that, because I did get to see you recently, albeit for much too short of a visit. I just don't feel quite all here. I keep wondering if I have "bride brain", I imagine it to be like "baby brain" but obviously without the baby. I feel flighty and confused. It's not like bridezilla, I'm not even focused enough to boss people around.
It's a good thing I know how relaxing Woodstock is. Even with a wedding going on I can't imagine being stressed out while I'm there. As the days stretch out long there, full of pie baking and swimming holes.
Meanwhile there is so much to do here still. Little things, but lots of little things. I'm going to bring some craft stuff to make party favors with. I don't know why that matters to me, but all of a sudden it does. I want to make flowers from the rick rack and buttons my grandma left me. I want her to somehow be a part of all this.
I know I haven't asked much of you yet, but believe me, I get a lot of comfort just from knowing that you are there. That you are willing to help with anything. That you will be there to help me be ready to walk down that aisle, the way I was for you.
All these years we've been friends, looking forward to sharing these huge events together and now they are happening. I am so glad to know you'll be next to me for them.
Love,
k a t
I promise I'm still here. Well you know that, because I did get to see you recently, albeit for much too short of a visit. I just don't feel quite all here. I keep wondering if I have "bride brain", I imagine it to be like "baby brain" but obviously without the baby. I feel flighty and confused. It's not like bridezilla, I'm not even focused enough to boss people around.
It's a good thing I know how relaxing Woodstock is. Even with a wedding going on I can't imagine being stressed out while I'm there. As the days stretch out long there, full of pie baking and swimming holes.
Meanwhile there is so much to do here still. Little things, but lots of little things. I'm going to bring some craft stuff to make party favors with. I don't know why that matters to me, but all of a sudden it does. I want to make flowers from the rick rack and buttons my grandma left me. I want her to somehow be a part of all this.
I know I haven't asked much of you yet, but believe me, I get a lot of comfort just from knowing that you are there. That you are willing to help with anything. That you will be there to help me be ready to walk down that aisle, the way I was for you.
All these years we've been friends, looking forward to sharing these huge events together and now they are happening. I am so glad to know you'll be next to me for them.
Love,
k a t
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