And my name no one shall know...

Kat,

I held a 5 week old baby a few days ago. One of my customers, Annie, had a beautiful baby girl that she named "Ayla" when I was in New York. I have seen Ayla asleep many times since my return, but the other day for the first time, she was awake and fussy and moving around. Annie handed her off to me in a slow moment. I took her tiny little body and cradled it on my shoulder. Ayla instantly nuzzled into my neck, put one tiny hand on my mouth, and commenced to sleeping again, almost curving into the contour of my collar bone.

I rocked back and forth on my feet, made small cooing sounds, and apparently I started crying. Before I was aware it was happening, small tears were rolling down my cheeks onto Ayla's tiny little head. Katy saw it and covered up for me well, making some joke and shaking her head ever so slightly, letting me know she knew, and she knew why the tears had come, and she knew that I needed a moment.

I am not in a place to have kids. My marriage is falling apart, although we're trying so hard to glue it back together. I feel like my mind is falling apart most days, I'm so much more scattered. I start writing and close the window before I am finished, like committing my thoughts to any kind of page, digital or otherwise, cements me into a position where I cannot escape and cannot improve.

I'm having such a hard time crafting. Right now, the only craft I can stand to put my mind to is the knitting I am doing as a learning project. I walked into my sewing room the other day, half heartedly looked at some bundles, and walked right back out. I can't handle being in there, it feels overwhelming and stifling. My creativity and drive seems to have leaked out of me when all this heartache came rushing in, like there is only so much space and the hurty bits displaced all the ideas and the need to make something with my hands.

I feel lost, my kitten, and on top of it all, my ovaries are hurting every time I see tiny little hands or hear a child laugh.

Tell me it will all be okay.

Please?

--opie

schmacation

Oh, Opie,

Why is coming back from vacation so hard? Is it coming back to work? Is it unpacking? Is it half-assedly planning a reception for more people than actually were able to attend your wedding? While it looks like it's going to rain on your picnic?

Is it the fact that I should be looking for another job?

I don't know, but coming back has been a little difficult. I love my home and my life here, but I miss Woodstock and having all my friends around me.

I know things haven't been entirely smooth sailing for you either. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you on the roommate situation. But this is how I think of you:



dancing without a thought to trouble with me nearby. Let it be so again and right soon.

squidges (that's british for hugs),

k a t

Kat,

Well, I'm back to the grind here in Washington, and wishing I were back in Woodstock, swimming in the stream.

I can't thank you enough for the wonderful time in New York. I had so much fun.

You looked so beautiful and serene, peaceful and happy and glowing on your wedding day, and I was so proud to be a part of it, proud to kiss you goodbye in that cabin and know what a huge thing you were doing. Jesse looked so happy, seeing you walk towards him, and all our friends were so full of love for the both of you.

New York city was glamorous and wonderful, and I'd love to go back. the more I travel, the more I want to travel.

Next up, NEW ZEALAND!

I met some wonderful Kiwis today, they bought coffee and talked with me and Jonathan for a while about the way coffee is expanding in their country. I can't wait till we start things in motion for that trip.

I adore you, O Kitten, and hope you find your transition into married life smooth and blissful.

Know that I am thinking of you and loving you both.

Love,
Opie

fight till we're free

Hey there,

I promise I'm still here. Well you know that, because I did get to see you recently, albeit for much too short of a visit. I just don't feel quite all here. I keep wondering if I have "bride brain", I imagine it to be like "baby brain" but obviously without the baby. I feel flighty and confused. It's not like bridezilla, I'm not even focused enough to boss people around.

It's a good thing I know how relaxing Woodstock is. Even with a wedding going on I can't imagine being stressed out while I'm there. As the days stretch out long there, full of pie baking and swimming holes.

Meanwhile there is so much to do here still. Little things, but lots of little things. I'm going to bring some craft stuff to make party favors with. I don't know why that matters to me, but all of a sudden it does. I want to make flowers from the rick rack and buttons my grandma left me. I want her to somehow be a part of all this.

I know I haven't asked much of you yet, but believe me, I get a lot of comfort just from knowing that you are there. That you are willing to help with anything. That you will be there to help me be ready to walk down that aisle, the way I was for you.
All these years we've been friends, looking forward to sharing these huge events together and now they are happening. I am so glad to know you'll be next to me for them.

Love,

k a t

Dear Kat,

I added you on Flickr. I saw that you had called me today, and I didn't have the energy to call you back. We went down to Mom and Dad's, and while there I was having a horrible allergy attack. My mom gave me some Benedryl, and that pretty much knocked me out for the duration of the visit. I COULD NOT wake up. They all tried to wake me several times. I'd swim towards consciousness and drift right back down into coma-like sleep.

I have lots to tell you, but the words are all bunged up right now. After a lovely few days of getting along with no disagreements and perfect harmony, John picked a fight with me about New York and money again tonight when we got home (what else is there for us to fight about these days) and we're both in bed, angry. I am hitting a brick wall in explaining this to him, and I am almost to the point of just giving up and saying "Fuck It" on this subject. It's hard, because it's hurting me, and taking the enjoyment of anticipation away from me.

I will be writing more tomorrow, but for now, I'll leave you with this thought. I got my mother's button tin today when I visited. As long as I can remember, all of my mother's buttons have been in a dusty grayish blue tin with geese on the top. She brought it out when we were talking about how I had gotten rid of my button collection, and told me I was welcome to it. Some of the buttons are junk, some are plain, and some are quite unique, but my favorites are the ones still on cards from the 30's, with prices like $.29 on them for 4 beautiful buttons, and my great grandmother's scribbles on the back. Usually, there is only 1 left on the card, and the spaces where the other buttons sat are discolored from the rest of the piece of cardstock. I can't wait to show them to you.

I have the new Bloc Party CD running through my head. My new favorite song is called "The Prayer" and it is pretty much on constant repeat in my brain later. "Lord give me grace/and dancing feet/and the power to impress...... Tonight make me unstoppable and I will charm I will slice I will dazzle you with my wit // Tonight make me unstoppable and I will charm I will slice I will dazzle I will outshine you all" It makes me feel ever so slightly badass and a bit cocky for what I've had the audacity to start.

I thought about you and about how our lives have changed while driving through Seattle towards home, tonight. I wish I could have stopped and sat and had tea for a bit, but John had to get home to sleep. To be fair, I'm still so drugged with the Benedryl, I may not have been able to keep my eyes open in any case. I just wanted to sit and listen to some Deathcab with you and talk about where we've come from and where we are going, and how we'll be with each other along each one of those steps.

I miss you a great deal, tonight. Hug yourself for me, okay?

Love,
Opie

Million dollar haircut on a 29 cent head....

Dear Kat,

I heard a song with that line in it yesterday, and I can't stop thinking of it. Sometimes I feel like that, dressing up all my stupidity and everything I'm lacking with a fancy haircut and this outward smile. I sure felt like that yesterday. I'll have to call you to tell you about work. It was... challenging.

I understand the odd feeling. I don't know if you remember, but in the month before my wedding, I was feeling the same thing. Events were moving rapidly, and I was feeling, well, not exactly overwhelmed but a bit removed from what was occurring, and I had to do the same thing that you're doing, think small.

As for the vows, they will come to you. I put off writing mine until the day before, because every time I'd think about it, I had something so saccharine or words that fell flat. I ended up just being simple, being straightforward, being honest, and telling him what I told my friends about marrying him.

As your wedding draws closer, I hope there is more I can do to help. To be honest, I feel like I've done nothing, and that others have been of so much assistance. I've been your best friend for over 12 years! Maybe we can sit and talk, the weekend you come to Bellingham, and we'll go over some details and see what I or Carly can do to help you out, okay?

I am very excited for our trip. Every day I think of something else I'm looking forward to about being there. Carly and I leave in 19 days!

To be honest, I'm selfishly glad you're not going to Korea. I feel like there is so much we keep saying "we'll do that later" and then because of our schedules and the tendancy we both have to procrastinate, we put off things we'd like to do or see together. I was worried about you being overseas when big things happen, like when I get pregnant or John and I buy a house. The next big trip I want to take is our Europe trip or to New Zeland to visit Dan and Courtney, and I can't imagine doing either of those without you by my side.

Looking towards the future is good, but as a word of advice, I will say this: Your plan to look at the small things for right now is a solid one. You have a huge trip and a huge life changing event on the horizon. You'll still be here when you are done with it, and the future will still be waiting. Take the time to just enjoy this journey, and when this beginning has settled you will instantly be able to see other paths and opportunities as the fog clears.

Did you know my Oma's name is also Rita? I'm so sorry your Grandma won't be there with you, Kat. There's not much I can say to ease that ache, other than I know what you're feeling. My Great Gramma Lona (the one who lived with us, and the Gramma I was closest to) died a couple of years after High School, and I still miss her every day. I'm sad that neither her or Opa got to meet John, I know they both would have enjoyed him so much.

I need to get running. I have my show tonight at the Wild Buffalo, and I need to finish this last bag and get all the hand sewing gathered together. I work from 11:30 to 7, and then go straight to set up. John is being a gem, putting my display together for me today and cutting up my business cards and making tags for my items. He had me show him last night what I want him to do, and he's taking care of it today so that I could focus on crafting last night. He's also taking Hilary to test drive cars before she goes to work today, so his first day off is pretty much taken up doing things for our little family. He's been really supportive of me basically locking myself in my sewing room for the last week, and he wants to know each step of what I'm doing and how he can help. Sometimes he really stretches my patience, but the majority of the time I can easily see why I fell in love with him and continue to do so every day. He's cooking me bacon when he wakes up. What more can a girl ask for?

Wish me luck tonight, Kat. I'll post and let you know how it went!

Love,
Opie

small things

Dear Opie,

The last few days I've been feeling a little odd. Nothing uncomfortable. Nostalgic I guess. I feel like so many things are ending, when really most are beginning.

My sister is graduating this Saturday and I can't think of what I want to give her. What could honor her achievement and let her know how proud I am?

Our wedding plans are gaining steam and I'm having difficulty writing my vows. How do you let someone know how loved they are? How easy it's been to make this decision and yet how important it is to have made it?

And of course I'm still sad that my Grandma Rita won't be there.

I'm also adjusting to the fact that our probably-leaving for Korea is turning into probably-staying here. I feel fine about the staying. Life feels settled here in a good way. The problem with staying is I can't continue to just work at the store with little thought to the future. I need to think about what my next step is and honestly I just don't know. There isn't a rush to figure it out, but I feel afloat nonetheless.

I'm trying to think small right now, concentrating on the little things that I find comforting. Like this rack of spools, most of which came from my Grandma. Now standing proudly on my bedroom wall. Or this little outfit, with just a tiny hint of dyed slip. (Hint: it's the part keeping my bust decent.)



wishing good things for you, both large and small,

k a t